Sir Art - here is the confidential report you have asked me to draw up, which summarises everything that I have been able to find out to date: "Channel Z Television is a small satellite TV station broadcasting from Milford in Derbyshire, UK. Founded in 1998 by the visionary Sir Art Chorlton its mission statement is to bring quality programming to its viewers, at a price that makes budgetary common sense. This is being achieved by the production of quality fare such as A Plumber’s Mate, Dictionary Diligence, and our top-rated air traffic control-based soap opera Turbulence. "In early January 2001 I was asked by Sir Art to begin a secret undercover job at the station, paying particular attention to unusual staff behaviour. I discovered quite easily that there were indeed activities going on which threatened the future success of the company. Sir Art asked me to begin secretly taping day to day business and conversations in the boardrooms of Channel Z TV. What we stumbled upon is far, far bigger than what we at first imagined. "This is a summary of the main developments: "Station Chief Michael Macintyre was having a secret affair with his PA, Olivia Destiny, who unknown to him was at the same time engaged to financier John DuBrie, and pregnant with DuBrie's child. Despite this she has told Michael that the child is his. Meanwhile Michael’s wife Ellen is enjoying a tentative fling with Martin Blarnspot, who was producer of the station’s most lavish production to date: ‘Chris - The Christopher Columbus Story’. "Production on ‘Chris’ was halted when esteemed television author Aubrey O’Gough withheld his planned rewrites because of a dispute over the authenticity of the set design. "With the budget spiralling out of control, Michael took over from Martin and scrapped the rewrites so that filming could continue. Michael then discovered that Olivia is engaged to John. He went downhill a bit from there. Olivia continued the deception by assuring him that her baby is his. "The station’s chief cleaner Mave Parker was kidnapped by a gang of rare birds egg smugglers and held at what I call the Twitchers Nest, in the Lakes. I discovered that Aubrey O’Gough is the unnamed figure at the head of the smuggling operation. Calling themselves the National Bird & Wildlife League the twitchers have issued a ransom demand for Mave’s safe return of $500,000. Then I found out that Mave is in on the whole deal, along with most of her family. "After being sacked from my job at Channel Z for the above-mentioned illicit recording of boardroom activity, I picked up a new job at Alan’s Cycle Shop. In my spare time and holidays I’m continuing to collect data for Sir Art, and recently made a new friend, Hetty Roberts, who was formerly one of the twitchers but is now helping me with my continuing investigations."

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